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Nov 29, 2020

Chag samaeach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah time once again, and for 5781, we're diving back into the dynasty of God's resisters with MACCABEES — and this time, it's about family. Join us as we go through some truly grotesque and graphic descriptions of torture in what is essentially Green Eggs & Ham meets Hostel. It's... maybe not the best way to celebrate a gift-giving holiday, but, well, we didn't write it. Also: Olive Garden, stop reading. Applebee's.... hello.

Topics of Discussion: the pandemic vs the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (which was actually quite good), Benito's trip to the hospital, a series of jokes to remind you of exactly where we grew up, a balanced evaluation of Seneca the Younger, "Jews" vs. "Hebrews" in South Carolina, angel horses, catapults, the dopest last words of all time, the gross and grisly death of Antiochus, a review of our SJW politics.

Hymnal: "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr., "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Organ4Everyone (

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson!

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.